The 3 Root Causes of Perfectionism
A Personal Journey
I've been talking about perfectionism a lot lately, and for good reason. As I have years of experience living with this pattern, it was only natural to try to understand its roots, both through my personal journey and through working with clients.
And trust me, I've got plenty to say about this as a recovering perfectionist!
Understanding the Triple Root System
Over the years, I've come to realise that perfectionism patterns stem from three key areas:
Our upbringing & early childhood experiences (attachment wounds and traumas)
Societal conditioning
Our karma (past life lessons we're here to resolve in this lifetime)
You might see yourself in one of these areas or, if you're anything like me, you might find yourself nodding along to all three 🙈.
1. The Impact of Early Childhood
Our early experiences with caregivers fundamentally shape our relationship with perfectionism. It's fascinating really - the way these patterns get wired into our nervous system from such a young age.
How Trust Breaks Down
I've written about this before, how abandonment is a core wound that triggers perfectionism in a child. And no, you didn't have to be left on a doorstep before you think you were definitely not abandoned ;) Sometimes it's as subtle as a parent who was physically present but emotionally miles away.
Common experiences that create this wound include when a parent was:
Emotionally unavailable or cold
Physically absent
Unable to attune to us emotionally
Lacking in empathy and understanding
Abusive
Manipulative
The Ripple Effect
Here's what happens when that trust breaks - we start doing this wild dance of trying to be "enough." We lose trust in our inherent lovability and begin to modify our authentic behaviours to earn love. For a child born with an innate trust in connection and love, this shift is profound.
It's not all bad though
Hot tip: I want to bring a silver lining here. Perfectionism doesn't always have to be the big bad wolf!
In my case, it helped me achieve many things I'm proud of and contributed to me becoming a multi-faceted woman. My desire to do well & excel has led me to a successful career & fulfilling relationships & hobbies. So if you fall into this category, give yourself a break & also celebrate all the good things that came from your perfectionism!
2. The Impact of Society
I want to preface this with the fact that I am no academic researcher & also have no interest in going into the details of these obviously vast topics. I'm talking about the overall energetics of these phenomena & how they impact our behaviours.
The Gender Factor
In times before the major religions took off, societies were predominantly matriarchal and the wisdom of the female elder was highly revered. But since around the agricultural revolution, things went a bit sideways for us women.
The rise of patriarchy gradually shifted this dynamic, and cue the good girl - women became increasingly dependent on men for safety & survival.
Below is a condensed excerpt from 3 different sites if you need some data backing this up (Sage Counseling and Wellness, Rapoport Psychological Services, Neurolaunch.com):
"Research suggests that women are more prone to perfectionism than men, often due to societal conditioning and pressures. Studies indicate that about 33% of adult women in corporate workplaces score high on perfectionism scales compared to 21% of men. Women also tend to score higher on self-criticism, with 44% showing significant self-critical tendencies versus 34% of men. These differences are often attributed to societal expectations that push women to excel in multiple roles—such as career professionals, caregivers, and partners—while adhering to idealized beauty and behavior standards."
So if you're a woman, just know that it's in your DNA to be more prone to people pleasing behaviours. I think of it as the hidden aspect of perfectionism.
The Role of Capitalism & Consumerism
I don't think I need to go into much detail on the impact of these two: Our modern economic system is built on making profit & encouraging competition, creating a cultural phenomenon that emphasises the acquisition of goods & material possessions.
The obsession with having more, doing more & being more, the relentless competition further exacerbated by the internet & everything available at our fingertips naturally landed themselves in this self identity crisis where we're disconnected from our deeper selves.
I know it sounds like I'm here bashing capitalism as the rotten apple making all our lives miserable but it's not that. It is only highlighting what's already within us, sadly. The greed, the disconnection from our divine/soul self, the disrespect we show towards our Planet & living beings.
I believe that any reflection in the external is an opportunity for us to heal that very thing inside of us.
So, instead of getting on the band wagon denouncing capitalism, I say, let's examine:
Why do we feel compelled to compete? Where do we feel less than?
The part of us that is greedy because it doesn't trust that we'll have enough tomorrow?
The part of us that can't be grateful even when we have all our most important needs covered?
The part of us that feels separate from the living breathing Earth around us?
Capitalism is not the enemy. In its current state, it is the huge mirror that is teaching us how & where we've gone wrong & distanced ourselves from the abundance that is the inherent nature of the universe.
3. The Karmic Blueprint
I want to explain a little bit about some of the universal laws around karma & while I do that I hope you can open your mind up to receive this information even if it feels a bit woo woo.
First of all, karma is based on the concept that your soul has been here on Earth before, in a different lifetime. So for this to make sense, you have to believe in that. I also say that you can choose to not believe. It still applies to you, sorry! It's just the truth of existence as a multi-dimensional being with a soul who signed up to reincarnate on Earth to experience itself.
Phew, that was a mouthful!
Anyway, now that I got that out of the way, let's get back to karma. Is it really a bia$h?
Well... It is & it isn't. It's not just about corrections & making up for "what we did wrong."
The totality of our experiences throughout our multiple lives create a specific blueprint that manifests as our current:
Behavioural patterns
Personality traits
Strengths and challenges
Core wounds and gifts
The Astrological Map
Our astrological make up is not the reason we are perfectionists to be clear, it is just the map that shows us if we have that wiring.
In my case, I am a Virgo sun & Libra rising. Everybody knows the perfectionist, analytical nit picking nature of a virgo. It is something that's been observed over millennia about people who were born at that time of the year, it's not guess work.
My South Node is also in Virgo, which represents the qualities & strengths you brought with you from previous lives. These are aspects you are probably very good at right now, things that come to you naturally.
So if you like me, have heavy Virgo dominance in any parts of your chart, you will be prone to perfectionism & a general sense of "nothing is ever good enough."
Let's explore Libra, too. My rising (also called ascendant) is in Libra which represents a person seeking balance & harmony. It is a people oriented sign, where she easily becomes the moderator & peace keeper.
My Mercury, the planet of communication, intellect & curiosity, is also in Libra which means that the way I communicate & express myself is gearing towards balance, understanding different viewpoints, & looking for agreement across parties. Which sounds pleasant until it becomes people pleasing, there is a fine line.
In its positive manifestation it is the peace keeper & the tension diffuser, but in its shadow expression it is the people pleasing su*k up 😄. I do have other more firey placements to combat the kiss a$$ quality thankfully, but when it comes to people pleasing & being a good girl, guilty as charged: I am in recovery!
Moving Forward
If you're still with me, congratulations! Hopefully you learnt something or got inspired on your journey to beat perfectionism.
Ready to explore this deeper? Join my free workshop "From Control to Flow" on December 3rd at 7pm UK time online. If you can't make it live, register still as the recording will be available after the event!
I'd love to hear your take in the comments.
Skipped to the bottom?
Here's what you missed: Perfectionism often stems from three core areas - early childhood experiences (especially around abandonment & trust), societal conditioning (particularly impacting women), and our karmic blueprint (yes, even if you don't believe in past lives!). I shared my personal journey with all three, including how being a Virgo-Libra combo has influenced my own perfectionist tendencies.
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