The Happiness Paradox: Why Chasing Joy Is a Trap
How often do you see 'happiness' as an outcome when you look at online offerings?
Especially in the realms of self help, inner work & even spiritual space.
Take a moment to notice how many times happiness is mentioned in someone's social media bio or at least in their elevator pitch: "I'll help you reconnect to the true you so you can be your best & happiest version of yourself."
But here's the twist. The more you fixate on happiness, the more true happiness will evade you. Let me share my story.
The Cultural Obsession with Happiness
When all I could measure my life against was my level of happiness, I couldn't help but constantly feel like happiness was out of reach. It felt like this unicorn thing that would only happen once certain parameters in my life were "fixed."
And here's an important detail: When we think of happiness, it is often in the context of what "makes us happy." Which inherently implies that certain criteria and conditions have to be met to our preference in order for us to be happy.
“The more you fixate on happiness, the more true happiness will evade you.”
This notion carried on in my life pretty much since I moved to London almost 13 years ago. For much of this time I felt unhappy. I had moments of joy but the undercurrent felt unhappy.
What True Happiness Really Means
I remember the moment I started looking at happiness differently for the first time. I was alone in a park, just sitting on the grass & I looked up at the blue sky. It was a beautiful sunny day, I could hear the bird song & out of nowhere I felt this deep peace & joy. It felt like happiness.
There wasn't anything to gain or get. It was just being in the moment, taking it all in & being happy to be alive. It was as basic as that.
But for a long while afterwards I still couldn't quite orient to this newfound revelation. It felt too fleeting.
It was only when I started deepening my spiritual, energetic & embodiment practice around the time I set up The Soul Works in early 2022 that I started experiencing happiness differently.
Through my journey, I realised that happiness to me is inner peace. & for this to make sense I believe I need to be clear on what true happiness is & is not:
“Happiness is an internal state, no matter the circumstance - it’s that soft conviction that I am where I need to be.”
It is not the acquisition of things, people, possessions or situations (but you probably already know this if you're reading my blog)
It is not a quick hit of serotonin
It is an internal state, no matter the circumstance
It's that soft conviction that I am where I need to be & everything and everyone else is too
It's being at peace with how things are
The Problem with Making Happiness the Goal
Why does the pressure to be happy increase anxiety?
When our goal is to be happy and we fail to meet it, we naturally feel disappointed & let down. It's like life has betrayed us. We may think we did things wrong, weren't good enough, or other people are s**t, ultimately creating a status of victimhood because of our elusive fantasies of what we thought happiness would look like.
Which perpetuates the cycle of chasing the unicorn. It's like when a dog chases its tail. You're never gonna get there & you'll only grow more frustrated because you're not getting what you want.
The Shadow Side of "Good Vibes Only"
Happiness is cited as number 1 priority in a culture that fears the unknown & judges anything that is deemed less than preferable. Like feeling & showing raw emotions.
When you are afraid to touch the 'raw expression' or shadow within you, you will think that love & light is the answer.
& don't get me wrong, it's a noble & in many ways innocent phenomena, yet in it carries spiritual bypassing as it's zooming in on the good only while rejecting (or at least not consciously acknowledging) all that is deemed bad or dark.
But most of the stuff that gets in the way of true happiness is our own inner murky, gnarly landscape that is begging us to JUST LOOK AT IT ALREADY.
The Paradox: Embracing Difficulty Leads to Peace
The path of happiness (or being at peace) is paved with your sweat & tears travelling through the underworld of your psyche.
It is going in & down and coming back up again over & over, whilst knowing this is just what life is & being okay with it. As I said before, happiness is not a destination, it's a state of being.
“When we reject the ugly, we also reject the beauty. We can only go as high in our joy as the depth we travelled into our pain.”
"Being with it all" means that you have to be able to be with all the things you judge about others and yourself. The ugly, gnarly stuff. The grief, the anger, the unhealed stuff, the shadows & wounds. All of it.
The Alchemy of Acceptance
The process of shadow alchemy follows this cycle:
Witness
Feel & Express
Accept
Integrate
Rejecting our reality & wishing it was different is only prolonging our difficulties. Whether we accept what is or not, it still is & will continue to be.
When we reject the ugly, we also reject the beauty. We can only go as high in our joy as the depth we travelled into our pain.
There is no integration without full acceptance.
A Personal Journey Through Unworthiness
One big challenge for me has been my lack of self worth. It is wired into the fabric of my being so intricately that it feels like taking apart embroidery thread by thread. It's so encoded into my DNA & my personality & the way I've always been, some days it feels like this is just who I am.
But no one is born with issues with their worth. We are born knowing that our needs deserve to be met & we expect to be looked after regardless of our flaws.
But when this breaks (especially in early childhood), we will have a part that develops a distorted view of unworthiness & undeservingness. & this is the story of my life & the hardest, stickiest belief I am still working through.
But before your head starts spinning & think that you need to correct this or similar beliefs in yourself, can we all just stop & take a breath.
Pause.
Slow down the exhale & notice the ground beneath you.
It is okay to have these fractures & broken threads inside of us.
What would it feel like to approach yourself through the lens of acceptance?
That it's ok to feel unworthy. It's okay to be heartbroken by thinking you deserve so little. Or that you need to be someone else or do more to have what you desire.
Would you feel more at peace if you knew that you are exactly where you need to be literally & figuratively too?
“Every time we break, a little more light can filter in through the cracks.”
The Unexpected Gift
The interesting thing is that when I shifted to this new perspective, difficulty or hardship didn't become scarce. I continued to feel sadness, grief, anger & despair.
Yet despite it all, I've felt happy.
I wasn't focusing on optimising my life to a certain idealised scenario but just took everything as it came: a lesson & opportunity to see myself more deeply.
& I slowly realised that I could feel joy and happiness even in the midst of heartache. I learnt how to hold the paradox of pain & the appreciation of being able to hold myself with even more compassion through difficult moments.
“Happiness = being at peace with & in approval of what is, regardless of our preferences.”
Life no longer needed to be a certain way for me to be happy. I no longer needed to be a better version of myself to find peace. I could finally feel relief from constantly wanting things to be different.
This little perspective shift was a game changer.
Practical Steps Toward True Happiness
I know I'm repeating myself but the key to true happiness is to stop and be with yourself and your life right now as it is.
It's not out there. It is an inner state kind of business.
Practice Acceptance: Let's all commit to practicing acceptance as the first step towards happiness.
Embrace What Is: When I stop fighting & looking at my traits as hindrances, I find an immense amount of love & gratitude for my journey & the little girl who had no choice but to compromise her sense of identity in order to be safe.
Show Compassion: Extend compassion to yourself & the little one inside of you who is stuck in patterns as a way of self preservation.
Stay Present: Focus on being fully present rather than wishing things were different. What can you be grateful for right now? Every little thing matters.
Hold the Paradox: In the midst of heartache, can you tune into the light that it may bring to your life? Every time we break, a little more light can filter in through the cracks. Choose to trust that life has its beautiful & perfect way of unfolding & is always working towards your highest good. (Not happiness!)
So today, let's all take a moment & commit to practice acceptance as the first step towards happiness.
Can you feel the relief & opening that happens in your body as a result of this new orientation?
This realisation has helped me so much to soften & appreciate the complexity & utter perfection of life.
& I feel a little happier already 🙂
PS. Want more practical spirituality and embodiment tips? Sign up for my newsletter where I share weekly insights on living with more trust and less struggle.
