Growing Through Conflict
3 practices to help you stay in dialogue in times of friction.
Conflict has the power to unearth the underlying issues for our disconnect…
Conflict is such a natural part of life, yet widely feared and rejected. For most it means nasty fights but at the minimum serious inconvenience and awkwardness. To change the narrative around this topic, we need to learn to handle these situations with grace & curiosity, otherwise we will never get our point across or worse, we’ll learn to stay silent just to avoid the dreaded conflict.
CONFLICT IS A PATH TO SELF DEVELOPMENT
Conflict is a wonderful opportunity for growth, as the energetic charge created through our friction has the power to wash us over with new-found truths about ourselves and the other. It gives us the platform to get to a deeper truth than what the argument is about. But we need to be brave “to go there” and look at our own triggers which often has nothing to do with the other person. We are all different, with our unique cocktail of upbringing, conditioning, beliefs, likes, dislikes etc. It’s impossible to not clash with others from time to time. But once the air is cleared, you will be able to move on in a more positive direction and with a new awareness of your own behaviours.
UNDERSTANDING THE UNDERLYING (REAL) ISSUE
Let me give you an example: Your partner invites some friends over to play video games, they are loud but nothing out of control. In his mind they are having fun. But for you, it’s the worst night spent mainly hiding in the bedroom.
The next day you are ready to have it out with him: "No friends coming over ever again.” You couldn’t think about anything else but how to make the undesired thing go away. That seemed like the only solution.
But what DID really happen? The truth is that you were triggered because when you were a kid your parents spent endless nights entertaining guests who were rowdy, smoked cigarette and even the smell of it makes your stomach churn and want to run for the hills. Loud noises make you feel like a stranger in your own home.
This is the actual truth behind the conflict, and this is the wound that needs addressing. You were shown where you’re carrying pain & hurt and with that you got an opportunity to release it. But to reach this realisation you can’t abandon yourself prematurely. You have to be able to grow your capacity to stay in the argument & remain collected.
Ps. The same logic applies to other, seemingly smaller arguments like domestic chores, too. The meaning behind it doesn’t have to be a deep & triggering one for there to be an underlying reason for the friction.
3 PRACTICES YOU CAN DO TO STAY CENTRED IN THE MOMENT
AWARENESS OF SELF - Move the vantage point outside of yourself, like you are observing yourself from above as a 3rd person. “I am witnessing myself having an argument.” This will immediately help you gain a little perspective and detach you from the intensity.
ACKNOWLEDGE THE OTHER - Everybody always thinks that they are right from their perspective (at first at least). You don’t have to agree with them in order to accept that on some level they may also be right. You can even say this out loud, you are not enemies. This way the other person will also lose some of the heat.
NOTICE YOUR BODY - How does your body feel? Tensed up shoulders, clenched jaw, straining muscles throughout? And your breath? Is it shallow & irregular? Take a quick body scan and release tension by taking deep, full body breaths into your heart. You’ll notice an immediate softening.
MOVING TOWARDS AWARENESS & AN OPEN STATE OF MIND
The whole point is that you want to be able to stay present & aware in the moment. You don’t want to lose yourself in your thoughts & emotions. There’s a part of you who’s the observer in all of this, who is not having the argument and this is the part who is the master of his/her thoughts and emotions. In this more receptive & open state you can see multiple perspectives from which point you’ll be able to receive the hidden messages behind the surface level subject of a conflict.
It’s never about winning a fight. Or at least it shouldn’t be. It is about keeping your heart & mind open to what is arising, the real meaning behind the words. The deeper feelings, motives and patterns.
And by staying open you can offer more understanding and kindness to the other person as well. And when you are not forcing your will against somebody else’s you will see how much quicker tension can diffuse and mutual understanding and respect be found.
PPS: It’s ok to request “time out” if you feel the charge is too much. Practising awareness is an ongoing process and won’t always work smoothly. Sometimes we do need to remove ourselves from the scene and come back with a cleared head & fresh pair of eyes. It’s an act of kindness & takes self awareness too to recognise this and draw the line when the intensity gets too much.
