& why you can’t break them through sheer will

**The thing about your patterns is that the more you fixate on them being an issue in getting on with your life, the more likely they are going to define your trajectory.**

I was talking to a friend the other day & since we're both wired similarly with regards to life & our spirituality, it didn't take long to open up about some of our individual patterns & how annoyed / victimised we felt about them.

- It's worth pointing out that while I am a huge advocate for self responsibility & to not make our victimised parts our identity, I also have compassion for the part of me that's still working through this particular lesson & while I'm doing that I may from time to time feel a little like the victim. I have a lot of awareness around this so I allow myself to be in those shoes as part of my process. -

Anyway, I digress.

When we have a lot of awareness around our own issues & repetitive cycles it can be incredibly frustrating to not know how to stop them.

Like why do I go through the same experience over & over when I know it's happening?

Why can't I just stop it?

Having worked through some of my own patterns (and still battling others), I've learned a few things about breaking them—without the illusion that we ever completely rid ourselves of these challenges.

Maybe that’s where we should start: accepting that we'll always face some level of these challenges & that it's ok.

HOW TO WORK WITH A PATTERN SUCCESSFULLY?

1. A negative pattern doesn't mean you are not worthy of what you desire RIGHT NOW.

One reason it's hard to break a cycle is our belief that it must disappear for us to feel worthy, loved, or successful. We keep telling ourselves we’re "never good enough or not healed enough" instead of realising that who we are right now doesn't disqualify us from getting what we desire.

Do you feel that subtle self-punishment? Because I sure do.

Just think of those situations when you meet people with seemingly awful personalities and here they are getting married & you think to yourself: "Even they found someone!"

You don't need to be fully healed to be worthy of your desires! Can't repeat it enough.

2. Fight your natural urges

Let me explain because it sounds counterintuitive. The truth is, if you're used to running a pattern then it means your subconscious belief runs deep enough for you to not be aware that your 'knee jerk reaction' behaviours are in fact coming from a place of wounding.

For me, it helped to stop acting on what felt like instinct (which I later realised was trauma-driven overcompensation, not true intuition).

In the realms of relationship for example, whether your default reaction is pulling away or becoming more needy, try to do the opposite & stick with it until you notice a change in your perspective & on the level of sensation in your body.

3. Get curious about what's getting triggered exactly

It's easy to get lost in the surface level story of what's happening. Especially to be preoccupied with the actions of the other person thinking it's them who needs to change for us to feel better.

But you need to ask yourself:
"What’s really getting triggered when I fall into this pattern?"

Beneath the surface story, there's often a core fear—abandonment, rejection, not being good enough, not being seen, or even fear of annihilation. These deep-rooted fears can make our pain feel like the end of the world.

The work is then to mend the fracture that happened probably early on in our lives & integrate those scared & wounded parts of us bringing them into the light of our conscious awareness.

Once we do that, the pattern can dissipate by itself.

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And a bonus 4th...

4. What are you getting out of this pattern?

This will be the hardest to reconcile because obviously you hate that you're in it & of course you think you only get suffering out of it.

But the truth is we all get some kind of kinky punishment out of staying in painful cycles & because of our wounding & long-term conditioning this pain feels familiar. So we repeat it.

This is the hardest to bring awareness to because the idea of being attached to something that brings us pain is illogical yet it is very much how the human psyche works.

We will always prefer familiar hell over unfamiliar heaven which takes me back to my 2nd point about fighting your natural urges...

I always share knowledge from my own embodied experience so if this resonates, would love to hear from you in the comments or tag me on IG @the.soul.works.

With love,

Hedi